Have you noticed patterns of self-sabotage in your relationships, whether new or ongoing? According to research conducted at UB by social psychologist Sandra Murray, people with lower self-esteem tend to make attempts at self-defeat in relationships they form themselves.
Change comes slowly; a trained mental health professional can help identify triggers and move you toward healthy self-esteem.
Self-criticism
Self-esteem can be affected by whether or not people engage in critical or constructive self-talk. Critique involves harshly judging oneself for any perceived shortcomings; such self-criticism often arises as a response to negative experiences and can result in hyperawareness of mistakes and failings.
If someone fails a test they might think they are stupid when, in reality, the reason may have more to do with not studying enough or experiencing an off day. A healthy sense of self would encourage them to recognize they made a mistake and look at ways of improving in future.
One contributor to low self-esteem can be the absence of warmth, affection, praise, and encouragement – this can have a serious negative impact on an individual’s sense of themselves as well as their ability to form healthy boundaries with others. Someone who feels unworthy of love may decline invitations to social events or cancel them last minute as a means of protecting themselves against being judged by other people.
Comparison
People with low self-esteem tend to compare themselves with others, which can be problematic as this can make you feel like you don’t deserve success or happiness. You might believe you need to change yourself or the world in order to find fulfillment; this can create anxiety as it makes asking for assistance and support more difficult. Those with higher self-esteem tend to prioritize their own needs more actively while being assertive when speaking up about them.
Low self-esteem is more than an immediate lack of confidence; it is an ongoing insecurity about yourself that can cause negative thinking and prevent you from reaching your goals. Furthermore, low self-esteem may contribute to unhealthy relationships or addictive behavior.
Your childhood experiences can have an enormous impact on how you view yourself. Children whose parents show them they are loved and valued often develop higher self-esteem than others; but this doesn’t mean low self-esteem cannot be overcome.
People-pleasing
Altruism, or helping out others, is a noble ambition; but those who rely solely on people-pleasing behavior to build their self-esteem may end up losing touch with themselves and their needs and desires. They may become less aware of how they feel or find it hard to say “no”, feeling resentful when taken advantage of or struggling to balance both sets of needs in their life.
Root causes of this issue may include trauma from past experiences or difficult encounters with loved ones, among others. But it’s possible to break free of people-pleasing by identifying sources of feelings and setting healthy boundaries – an experienced therapist may assist in this regard. A variety of mental health conditions, including dependent personality disorder and borderline personality disorder can also contribute to people-pleasing behavior.
Lack of healthy boundaries
Individuals with low self-esteem have difficulty asking for assistance and may question their own decisions, which often leads to them feeling overwhelmed or exploited by others. When this occurs, their emotions often flare up as a result.
Feeling anxious in social situations is natural, but those with strong self-esteem don’t let those feelings keep them from trying new activities and accepting challenges. Additionally, they don’t criticize themselves when mistakes occur nor dismiss compliments as compliments should be seen as meaningful recognitions of success.
People lacking adequate mental or physical boundaries are at increased risk of anxiety, depression and relationship difficulties. Working in therapy with a mental health professional is beneficial in uncovering the sources of these patterns and replacing them with more positive beliefs through psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness practices.